Premier Slut!

Hmmm for the first time in my life I have absolutely nothing to say. My brain is in meltdown, it’s as blank as a cotton wool and cloud sandwich topped with snow- and its all Madonna’s fault!

Well OK, maybe not personally as I didn’t actually meet her but I was in the same room as her, I think, for a few minutes, maybe…At least there was a big swarm of bodyguards and people hanging around a blonde head on one side of the party and you couldn’t get anywhere close. Not that I was trying too hard after almost having my phone confiscated for trying to take a picture that could have been loosely in her direction, if she was even there, but was actually pointed at the amazing New York skyline that I can just never get enough of.

When you are at Boom Boom, on top of the Standard Hotel it really is jaw- droppingly beautiful. I rebelled by locking myself in the bathroom with my camera and taking pictures of myself with the impressive backdrop – such a rebel! Or maybe just vain… guess I could have not put myself in the picture and had more of the view.

Anyway I was far too happy to watch the Madge frenzy from the other side of the bar as I guzzled her champers and chatted to the gorgeous Mr D’Arcy, the star of her new film W.E that premiered here in NYC last night. I was actually, secretly terrified that I would get to meet Madonna and she would ask me what I thought of her film and I would have had to admit that I had missed the screening, being stuck downtown in the middle of a rainstorm with my times (and knickers!) in a twist standing on the curb, drowned rat style, at rush hour, trying to get a cab to take me uptown to Ziegfeld Theatre.

It just wasn’t happening and am sure my absence would have ruined her night… But am tres excited to watch it this week. Have to admit have always been a little obsessed with the Edward/Simpson debacle. Anyway as ever the evening was all too much fun and I am now having to absorb the alcohol with eggs, waffles and milkshakes in Big Daddies Diner…oh the heights to fall from. Have been here about 20 minutes and still can’t decide whether to have my eggs scrambled, poached, fried, boiled -uh oh not decisions again!

Am reading the news on the Oscar nominations and very excited for Jessica Chastain- loved her in The Help .But as much as I adore and worship Meryl Streep isn’t it just ‘enough already’? I mean even she must be embarrassed by now, it’s crazy. We know she is God, beyond an above any living actress. But I think she has some magic powers that help her to morph into different people, its not actually acting. She should have a category of her own at the Oscar’s. The Meryl Streep award for best ‘morph into another person’. I mean imagine being told you’re nominated for an OSCAR and then Meryl Streep being in the same category, it’s like winning and losing a billion pounds at the same time. And the worst thing is you can’t even disagree or say she isn’t worthy- cause she is, God damn her.

But back to important business, am going with the scrambled egg whites, am not quite sure what the point of only eating half the egg is, am always worried about the waste of yokes.I hope they use them to make mayonnaise.

Went to Man On A Ledge premier last week too (ooh yuk am I becoming a premier slut?) I have to tell you to save yourself the ticket price.I can say that as I don’t know anyone who was involved in the making, and probably never will now.
Not that I would have after almost knocking the director out in a fight over a seat. I thought he wasn’t being that gracious when I beat him to the last remaining seat in the cinema and was mortified when he got up two minutes later and introduced his film. I think he got me back though because as I walked out everyone was staring at me. I thought it was a little strange as Elizabeth Banks, Kyra Sedgwick, Sam Worthington and the talent- challenged Genesis Rodriguez with her rather enormous assets were there so they had plenty to stare at rather then me.

It wasn’t until I had been standing at the bar stuffing myself with peanut M&M’s (my staple diet when without hubby to feed me) that my darling friend Raza Jaffrey decides to inform me I have a large A4 piece of paper stuck to my back saying “Reserved for Mr Worthington.” After fighting the director off for Mr Worthington’s seat I had unwittingly got my comeuppance!

After that I made Raza sit in a corner with me so I could hide myself from creating any more chaos or killing myself with embarrassment. We caught up on life and drank SODA WATER- I know, but it’s true, promise- it was a very strange evening. We are in prep for Raza’s big night this week; his new show SMASH premiers on Thursday at the MET, (yes, OK am definitely a premiere slut) but so excited to see it!!!

Hmmm… for having a brain like a cloud & cotton wool sandwich topped with snow I have jabbered on far too long…gonna go steam my head at good old Soho House xxx

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Is It Art Or Just Another Frenchman Staring At His Balls?

After my love affair with NYC in the fall, and then the slight abandonment issues we went thru during my stint in LA, we have had a rocky patch over the last month but I feel that we are pulling thru, we are gaining strength daily and are definitely back on the right track.

She has offered up another weird and wonderful day for me- from Sunday morning castings to random naked contortionists at MOMA- apparently art… but basically a Frenchman staring at his balls for half an hour in front of a crowed of people. My nerves prickled when they took my ticket and said ‘we ask that you don’t leave during the performance’ (yeah hardly a positive opening) then they slip in that its an hour long. I take my seat and realise I am staring at a blank stage with a table and chair and I man dressed in black. (Never a good sign, especially when you have been dragged to as many friends ‘experimental performances’ as I have, not to mention the 'interesting' shows with 'avantgarde' theatre companies, i have since learned avantgarde translates as 'run the other way', i have devised myself over the years and dragged my poor, loyal and suffering family and friends to) at which point I am suddenly beyond nervous, I am now in a cold sweat, sat right in the centre front, with the curator (whom has personally invited us!) seated right next to me, there is NO escape. I manage to entertain myself thru the first half hour of this strange Frenchman walking round the stage making robot noises, by a number of different means: first I have a little doze, but its one of those stressful involuntary ones where your eyes will just not stay open and you know you are supposed to be awake and your head keeps flopping embarrassingly forward… then I start scrutinizing the ceiling…hmmm interesting the way those concrete blocks are all the same size and white… next I start trying to read the squiggly notes the journo next to me is writing, in shorthand in Dutch! Then I start to imagine how interesting it would be to watch Hubby watching the Frenchman, (the pain he would go thru, would make Guantanamo seem like summer camp) which is a really bad idea as it starts me giggling…I take a glance at my companion, and inflicter of this torture ,Shaz, who gives me a quick ‘don’t you dare start’ look and refuses even a glance back in my direction (case she catches the giggling epidemic that has seized my body)for the rest of the entire show, during which I go thru a vast and painful range of emotions, the worst of which is the realization by the end that I am actually transfixed by this lanky naked frog with his bum in the air. Ah for art!

We then head back down town for a quick sushi before hot footing it to the Angelika for a bit of commercial entertainment…Ah, No, we choose Blue Valentine! I should have been warned by the conversation at brunch when someone was talking about Lady Gaga and Leighton Meester and Shaz asks “who is this Lady Easter?”.. anyway we happily buy our tickets for the 7:45 viewing, head into the theatre and are mistified that the movie has already started and its only 7:44… we watch the whole miserable thing (or so we think) I did think the story lacked clarification and was very worried when I was having to ask ‘Lady Easter’ for story tips…anyway we get thru without slitting our wrists. And are just leaving when I say ‘I am very angry that they should start the film early (it didn’t occur to me that everyone else seemed to have been there on time) so we decide to complain at which point we are told we were in the wrong viewing and had missed the first 45 mins…so we decide to go back in and watch the first half, which I have to say is probably the best way to watch this movie as you can leave feeling only half like topping yourself instead of fully determined to do so. And just as I think we are on the home run and the evening couldn’t really get any more bizarre we walk passed the palm reader who of course beckons us in and tells me I am going to have 4 children!!!!!!

NYC, you gotta love her.

Rxxx

Add Some Bubbles And All Will Sparkle...

Ok fine, I will admit it, it is kinda beautiful in NYC in the snow. As I walk home at night, out of the cozy bistros of west 4^th street, where everything is white except the sparkling lights from the bars and restaurants. There are no cars on the streets, just huddles of beautiful young people laughing and smoking and having fun. All is magically and Christmas like, without the pressure and trauma of Christmas, yes its OK, I suppose! A couple of glasses of sparkly and nothing can flatten my mood, not the miserably acted and terribly told Bosnian war play I just saw on 42^nd street ( almost as painful as watching a Brits do Tennessee Williams) nor the fact that I have just ruined new fave suede boots in snow sludge…life is beautiful when it is covered in cotton wool and for that I am grateful, who cares that bellow the pristine beauty of perfect white there are sacks of rubbish and dirty sidewalks, tonight it glistens with snow queen sparkles and NYC shines bright and white ….and someone, god bless them has made a path to my door. Sweat dreams. Rxxx

Baby Its Cold Outside

What the hell am i doing and WHY am i in the coldest place on earth in the middle of a snow storm?!!! There is a large reward for anyone who can answer me this question. Its actually become so absurd that i went to leave Shaz's house this evening and fell back inside the door in fits of laughter, i couldn't get back out there for 10 mins, i think hysteria has finally set in. I know what Captain Oates felt like before he uttered those famous words " i am going outside, i may be some time" (well kinda anyway, am not dying of hunger and ready to eat my own arm or anything-Yet!) the snow and wind and lightning are all just so over dramatic that i feel like i am on set and the affects team have gone a bit loopy. I spend the first half of the day thinking about and planning down to the most meticulous detail, my trip downstairs and a cross the street to Starbucks, which shoes will be best.. the fur boots are warmest but the wedges give me a platform out of the snow, the NYC 'duvet coat' is the lightest but the good old Joseph sheepskin the best defense against the storm...hmmm which hat... i like the black flapper one but the cap is more durable though i always pull it so far down over my eyes that i bump into people and in NYC that hasn't been the most affective way of making friends...OK now the gloves... they have to be thin enough that i don't have to take them off to get the key in the front door but thick enough for my hand not to freeze if i have to hold the phone to my ear whilst outside...i swear by the time i have made all these decisions its time for lunch anyway so i ditch all Starbucks plans and make mad dash back to Soho House, thank God, its right next door ( yes i am a sad creature of habit, i can be anywhere in the world and SH is where you'll find me, with my laptop and vino in the corner) where i stay till dinner time only budging for a steam at cowshed to warm the bones, i swear if it wasn't for Nick i would have died long ago. Like Captain Oates and Scott, walked out into the snow not to return...Have actually found new hangout, for those few hours between lunch and dinner...when i get really adventurous and leave SH i cross the street to the Mac store. Its become my fave place to meet people...its really warm, has Internet connection, lots of people in blue t-shirts to do things for you and loads of toys to play with and you can pretend you are working at the same time, its perfect! Made two new BFF's today...not only that i am becoming a whizkid at computer programs as i keep finding myself in classes...learnt how to do things on my mac today i thought were way beyond my golden tresses. who knows maybe snow is good for me and i am gonna find i am a nerdy genius at ...i don't know...erm.. at something. Anyway what was i saying...ah yes: WHY am i hear in NYC in January? i honestly have no idea and am totally open to suggestions! xxx

Oops this one missed the post!!!! Lost In The Hollywood Hills

I have lost track of time, time zones, my location on the planet and most definitely any brain cells I had…just realized I have been in LA for 2 weeks -I literally thought it had been about 5 days….it was actually supposed to be 2 days but on my way to the airport I got a call booking me on an amazing movie with Al Pacino, where Sienna Miller plays my mum…don’t ask how that works…but it does! Since then I am not quite sure what I have been doing…I know it took me the first week to figure out that my ‘keyless car’ actually meant I didn’t have to use the key…I know it sounds kinda self explanatory but I didn’t get it…I can actually keep the key in my hand bag and never take it out…the car just knows when I am near by…it’s genius. Then I had to navigate the parking and why every time I park outside the front gate to my darling hosts house the neighbour sends me notes calling me a ‘dick’, at first I thought he was signing them Dick, so I bought a pretty card to right back saying ‘Dear Dick I am so sorry to have caused…’but someone pointed out that there was no full stop between the words ‘I will have your goddamn car clamped’ and the word ‘dick’…hmmm.

My magnificent hosts B&H who kindly offered to put me up for the weekend (amongst moving in themselves) have had to endure my bit by bit take over of the top floor to their house, there is no longer a ‘guestroom’ it is now 'Rosie’s' room. I think they began to worry when after the first 10 days I started to unpack, they could tell I was really here for the long haul…that and the fact that hubby is coming over to ‘collect me’ …don’t mention it to them, but he is moving in too! I mean, how and why would anyone go home to London in December when its 26 degrees here?? We spent the whole of yesterday laying by the pool, reading the New York Post (its my new fave pass time and the only way I get any insight into world affairs… please forgive any missed world disasters but don’t worry I do know that Lindsey is out of rehab and went shopping yesterday, so all is well!) I am actually being educated here, B has an encyclopedic knowledge of art, amongst many other things and the most gorgeous collection, we have been unpacking his beautiful pieces and there is nothing more wonderful than hearing his awe inspiring gasps at the their beauty as he unwraps each painting like it was an unexpected and long awaited xmas gift, and he talks about the artist and the personal story to him that each piece holds…and then we choose its next resting place. H has worked day and night with meticulous attention and style to create a beautiful home around me and my suitcases…why he thinks I will ever leave now I am not sure!

H & I snuck out for sneaky pedi this afternoon, my toes are bubblegum pink…am now thinking in character as the film I am making is all improvised, we have no script, so with no lines to learn I just pretend that anything I want to do is character research….’Love this new way of working- definitely think my character has daily massage, lays by pool and eats lots of homemade ice-cream (H has taught me or at least I watch as he makes it and somehow manage to take half the credit!) Rxxx

Anita..

Hello my lovelies...I have had so many sweet msgs asking 'why the silence, what has stopped my ramblings?'...Well i have to say i have been completely floored, silenced and knocked for six by the loss of my dear and darling friend Anita, who passed away suddenly whilst I was filming in NYC. She was my inspiration as a woman and one of the most vibrant and alive people I have ever known. She was one of the few people that knew everything about me and still loved me! She was independent and sexy and fun. She had been thru so much in life and come thru smiling, gracefully with class and beauty and a wicked sense of humour. She encouraged me to use all my strengths and not sell myself short, she gave me a faith in my abilities as a person and my strength as a woman. The week before I left London I had dinner with her twice and on the last evening I saw her we sat in her car,in the poring rain, and we giggled and giggled, we laughed so much, she had a gorgeous dirty laugh, full and deep and wonderful. Anita had this amazing ability to listen and draw people’s stories out of them, she would meet my friends and know more about them by the end of the evening then I did in knowing them for years. I just cant fathom how she is not here and I feel so selfish in my grief, so desperately sad that she wont be here to guide me or advice me or gossip with me. I know it shouldn’t be about me and that death is larger than any of us but I just wanted more of Anita... I know she is someplace amazing dancing in the breeze but I feel so mad at the world for taking her away from us and at not getting to tell her how much I love her before she went. I always felt like i could make more sense of things after having spoken about it with Anita, she shed a kind of light on things that i didn't understand and brought things i thought were beyond me down to a human level that was very manageable. I miss her and wish she could talk me thru this one. Darling Anita you are as alive in my heart today as any other day and will be for as long as I live. Rxxxx

Who stole my hangover?!

Feel like I am having far too much fun to be feeling as good as I do. I have been surviving on an average of 3 hours sleep a night, every morning as I wake up I pause to feel the weight of my decadence hit me…but it doesn’t. I have somehow side stepped hangovers and lack of sleep grogs…maybe I am OLD!!!! As a kid I remember wondering how my mum would get up so early every morning without fail and seem to feel fine…don’t they say…you sleep less as you get closer to the grave…(not that you are mum!) maybe I am dying, maybe that’s why I feel so good!

I left work at 3am last Friday and caught the 7am flight to Miami for fabadoo sleep over at the new Miami Beach House…knowing I only had 18 hours to enjoy the decadence I felt it imperative to not loose a moment…so the fabulous C and I started on the Margaretta's the moment we arrived. We dragged our Margarita glasses thru the House from the Cowshed to the beach and up to the pool deck, till we rolled into our room to prepare for dinner, having had a quick mani pedi and blow dry on the way. During pre dinner prep we called the ingenious invention of Nick’s ‘One While Changing’ (cocktail barman with full trolley to your bedroom!) slipped into a cocktail dress and down to Cicconis for scrumptious meal and then hit the dance floor. Yes, literally in my case, fell smack bag onto my back off my 5inch platforms, luckily I was anesthetized by that point, wasn’t till the beach next morning, after my Grumpy Cow wake up massage in the cowshed, that someone pointed out my shoulder was rather badly damaged, ah for war wounds. 'Always make me feel like I musta had a great night! I then dragged myself away from the rest of my motley crew nursing themselves on the beach, preparing for hog roast lunch with bloody marys, and caught the 4pm back to JFK to arrive in the Hamptons in time to grab a few hours before being on set for 5am….wrapped at 7pm in time to hot foot it over to my darlingest friends B&H for home cooked dinner in their Hamptons home, where we ate drank and were very merry!!! Where is my hangover???I have been robbed! Has it been stolen away by age and maturity….seeing as i am obviously acting so mature these days! Rxxx

Attack of the Pumpkins

Forgive me Cyberspace for I have sinned…it has been over 2 weeks since my last blog and all my followers, yes all 28 of them are feeling neglected and anxious for news on my exploits, intelligent banter and insightful comments on society and the world at large…at least in my dreams!

Hey Guys, I am here in New Jersey starting my second week of shooting, I have an old stocking over my head with 50 bobbi pins stuck into my scalp and a dead rat sitting on top (in other words a wig) imagine what it feels like having your head clamped into a vice 14 hours a day and you get close…at least it makes all the crying I have to do in this film easy, they are tears of sweet pain…other than that all is jolly…I have had sex with a bear, given birth to a clone and killed my own baby…all in days work eh!

NJ is so American its hilarious, I walk around thinking I am in a movie, which I am, but I mean when I am not in the movie…if you know what I mean…the leaves are all golden and red, there are white picket fences everywhere, the local bank is in a white wooden house and the church is the size of a shopping mall…And there are pumpkins everywhere, in everything…pumpkin pie, pumpkin soup, pumpkin salad, we had pumpkin bloody gnocchi for lunch. i don’t have the heart to tell them I hate pumpkin! The problem I find with pumpkins is they just cant make up their mind if they are sweet or savory (did you know that they have no idea what savory means here? I keep asking for savory snacks and the poor 3^rd assistant doesn’t dare tell me he has no idea what I am talking about so brings me more chocolate, I of course don’t want to offend him so am having to eat an awful lot of M&M’s) anyway I just cant get on with a vegetable that doesn’t know if it’s a vegetable or a fruit, just make up your mind already, be in a pie or in a curry, you cant be in both! And that’s not even mentioning the fact that they have faces carved in them and are put on every available surface…enough with the bloody pumpkins please! Sorry, I think the bobbi pins are digging so deeply into my head its affecting my brain…or what little is left of it…oops am being called..laters.Rxxx

rare diseases, lollipop sticks and the general down fall of womenkind

Went to see Dr Katz “Physician To The Stars” or just ‘the Dr that signs the insurance papers”, however you wanna put it really. I sit there in his sweltering lobby in 30 degrees of smog, filling out 50 pages of medical history. Forms always make me feel like I am lying ’I MUST have some rare genetic decease that is gonna kill me, cause there are just so many of them… I mean what the hell is Celiac disease? It sounds like a vegetable! (By that I mean a fruit like vegetable, not like people that have Celiac decease are vegetables, of course they might be cause I have no idea what it is, I mean I may have it myself, I may be vegetablizing as I write) anyway the answer to all these questions cant be NO, surely…Am I lying? Am I dying? Or just loosing my marbles in this heat….?

I suddenly get a cool waft of air and look up to see a very stern looking (slightly over weight for a health preacher in my opinion!) Dr, saying “Ms Fellner?” I follow him into his beautiful, air conditioned office (typical he lets his dying patients swelter whilst he luxuriates in the cool air or it could just be broken, am not sure at this point paranoia has set in too deep) I perch on the edge of a chair nervously waiting for him to scream at me “LIAR, You know you are dying” as he calmly flips thru my forms. After what seems like an insufferable length of time he looks me strait in the eye and says “Why do women think just cause they see a gyno they are healthy?” I am so confused I am speechless…Am I dying? Does he know something I don’t? Is it a trick question and I am gonna fail the medical and not be insured if I get the answer wrong? I tentatively say..”erm…I don’t know???? He then preaches for a good 10mins on the downfall of women kind and their failings in the health check department and how they are lazy and ignorant about how to take care of themselves …he suddenly stops looks back up at me and says “So, when was your last full medical assessment?”….At which point I start stuttering and babbling about things being maybe…erm different in the uk…? He stops me short and says “Bottom line? When were your bloods last taken?...I.. erm..I..I..i just couldn’t remember under the pressure! He finally gives up on the questions cause he knows and I know, I have already failed him, in so many ways, manly by just being a women, and any answer I do come up with is gonna be unsatisfactory and a plight on his male intelligence. He says “Never mind, I have often diagnosed many an unknown, life threatening problem in my medical examinations here” as he ushers me towards the examining table. Oh God I think, this is it, I am gonna die before I even get to start my new job…he then sits me on the table, puts a lollipop stick in my mouth, shines a torch in my ear, takes my blood pressure and job done- full bill of health in 30 seconds!!!!!

Falling Head Over Heels With Urban Mass's Of Chaos and Axe Murderers....

I am here in the NYC babies!

Settled in smoothly, I already have my local Starbucks with my very own Crazy Hobo terrorising us as we have our morning coffees. He has just told us all we are ‘trying to fuck him in the arse’ most people have just put their headphones in but I am stuck in the corner and would have to get very close to his aforementioned anatomy to get out and don’t have any headphones with me so ‘am instead gonna sit her and watch the drama play out- at least I have sun glasses on, I can avoid any eye contact and there for pretend its part of the music…hmmm Mozart with its very own, very individual rap…the theme has now changed he has gone on to extra marital affairs, who ever Ramona is she sounds like a right cheating old cow…its actually very good theatre am beginning to think he could be an actor, maybe he is just preparing a new monologue…hmmm maybe I should come down here and grab his spot tomorrow morning start practicing my lines…Oh God, he has now got on to war and we are all ‘disrespecting’ him, am gonna have to get passed him and get out of here before I get killed….If he is an actor please someone hand him an Oscar- he is terrifying.

Wow I love this city….its the tiny things that stand out, like the crazy psycho murderers in Starbucks and the little cultural differences like…lifts that arrive directly into the middle of living rooms. As I left my apartment this morning I got in to the lift, sorry ‘elevator’ its about 7am and I am still in sleep mode, I get in, press the down button, the elevator stops and I get out…a wave of toast aroma hits me and I look up, I am standing bang in the middle of a family breakfast scene, honestly like something out of the movies, there is a dad in a suite and a mum in a dressing gown and a nanny holding a baby and a little kid eating coco pops, ALL staring at me. I blink a couple of times thinking they will disappear-but they don’t! eventually someone says ‘ your on the wrong floor’ No shit Sherlock!!! The Elevator has delivered me directly into someone else’s apartment, unbelievable, who needs TV? I am gonna sit in the elevator all day going from floor to floor watching peoples lives-forget the new tv disaster Notting Hill 7 Days- this is the future, I am gonna start a new craze, its not reality TV or Dramality or even Irritainment…..Its Real Reality Seen From a Tribeca Elevator-fabulous!

Its puring with rain here, hubby just called and tried to convince me London is having a heatwave and everyone is out sunbathing but even the thought of missing miracles back home (which I am not, he is lying) cant dampen my happiness with my new found Lover ‘NYC’. Is it possible to fall head over heels with a moving mass of noise, chaos, brick, mad people and brash Americans in the rain? Cause I think I have…I walk around, just staring, trying to absorb every molecule of its density. If it is possible to have an affair with a ‘large urban settlement’ then is it possible that I am really this fickle (ok don’t answer that)? But how can I have done such a 3-60, I was here only a couple of months ago and actually came home early cause it was all too much and too bloody hot- Ah I guess there is nothing like a bit of rain to make me feel welcomed and comfortable…There is of course another huge benefit to being here: everyone WALKS everywhere, and we all know what walking means…My PC count is gonna hit the sky, watch out darling hubby the competition has just heated up…what with that and the time difference my little Pink Fitbug thinks I am walking 24hours a day- I made 20,000 steps yesterday! Only downside is instead of waking me up at 7am I am now awoken at 2am to its bleep, bleep, i fell out of bed and scrabbled around in the dark for 10mins looking for it in jacket pockets last night, to eventually realise it was under my pillow… hmmm I am now sleeping with it….am I taking this obsession too fare?

Anyway NYC you rock. I am in love with this place where spicy tuna roles are available on every corner, mani pedis are a legal requirement and cooking at home is unheard of!

Rxxx

crack cocaine vs scones

Feeling very proud of myself this morning, i DON'T have a hangover AND i have already done 3000 PC and its only 11 am...i am off to a good start today! Unlike yesterday...it took me 40mins to form a thought by which time i had no idea what it was about, i only managed 1500 PC the whole day. I blame the whole state of affairs on a certain friend of mine (yes Rhydian, you know who you are...oh actually so does everyone else now, sorry!) We met up at 5pm for a quiet Sunday evening glass of prosecco (its my new thing, have decided champers is chav, and chav so before Mad Men era, i guess that means its whisky that's in, God am i glad i hadn't formed that thought by last Sunday ) and cheese board all very civilised, still daylight i thought 'i am safe' But a little devilish part of me, lurking in the depths of my psych, the little monster at the back of my brain new only too well the for gone conclusion on the evening....yes, 7 hours, 5 bars and 15 drinks later i managed to crawl my stairs, roll thru my door and fall at the feet of my sweet hubby who tried to feed me and water me and help me get the tooth paste on the toothbrush as i waxed lyrical on the world and Rhydian and my plans to change it, starting on our figures...we have come up with my new diet plan it consists of eating packets of lettuce (as if they were crisps) smoking menthol cigarettes and not a lot else..oh yeah if we fall of the wagon and are tempted to actually eat something of substance then we should turn to crack cocaine i hear its marvelous for slimming down! (mum, not to point out the obvious but that is a joke, OK not a very funny i give you that) This is all in preparation for the dreaded "love scenes" coming up in my new film. I had to go thru the very surreal process with my agent of deciding exactly which butt cheek they are allowed to film at which angel and for how many seconds, it gets very specific- thankfully, you will never get more than a few seconds, no frontals and def no body doubles- think i may just get my full kit off on the day to scare everyone...actually that depends how the lettuce and crack cocaine diet is going and if i have made it back to my Pilate's class...that was the one other achievement of yesterday, i joined Ten Pilate's out of fear. Anyway today is a new bright day without hangovers or Pilate's classes...So am popping into Dean Street Hotel to celebrate with tea and scones with lashings of cream and jam...yes there is probably some contradiction in there somewhere but i cant see it at the moment...xxx

Attack of the Pink Gadget

Oh No, Help! I own a gadget and its taking over my life ( well if you can call a pink thing with 3 buttons a gadget) it only has 2 objectives and they are both nasty, evil and cruel. It wakes me up at 7am 'pinging' in my ear, every morning and then counts every movement I make during the day to prove to me how lazy i am. it’s a nasty little piece of electric pink plastic, and its governing my life…I keep getting to my car, unlocking the door, getting in then feeling so guilty I get back out and walk…yes walk, all the way to Starbucks, its exactly 3000 steps there and back…This retched little thing was of course bought for me by my darling hubby who also has his own and we have gone into fierce competition to see who covers more distance throughout the day…generally I am ahead of him, as I run neurotically up and down the stairs most of the day loosing things but just as I think I have definitely beaten him, he does a sneaky little trip in to town and WALKS all the way back (20,000 steps) I am beginning to think in steps, the whole 'time thing' is totally passé in our house, minutes, hours even days mean nothing to us, its all about the PC (pedometer count) I think I am at a slight disadvantage as hubby gets up at 530am every morning to “write” Aha i am on to him...I bet he is sneaking in a little run before breakfast, 'must start checking his PC early in the morning. One advantage I have is I can take it out at night... snuck it into my handbag other eve….popped into Bella Pollens book launch..we walked, OK it was only in the hood, but in 6 inch platforms its an achievement..2300 PC later-I am way ahead of hubby and he doesn’t even know I have it with me HA! I kept doing laps round the room, everyone thought I’d turned into one of those social nightmares that never listens to the conversation being held as they are too busy looking over their shoulder for someone more important, only my more important was getting to the otherside of the room and back as many times as possible……BTW would love to plug Bellas book and get you all to buy but I haven’t read it yet…but I can say it has a beautiful cover, so definitely intend to…and its hard back, cant stand a paper back book….i just read Valley of the Dolls, I always thought it was a literary classic, one of those names I had always heard about and pretended to know what they were talking about…anyway picked it up the other day ( because it was in hard back and had a beautifully designed special edition cover) turns out its like reading the Daily Mail social pages during the 60’s…loved it!!! Anyway better not chat too much, have to go take my pink gadget for a walk...it is worse then having a dog i swear...talking of which..'am thinking of tying it to the neighbours dog for a while, that would def get my PC up...do you think it would notice if i developed 4 legs and started barking? Hmmm barking on all fours..probably not much different then the way i come home most evenings!

Sunday rants and chemical warfare in Notting Hill

As I arrive back into Notting Hill blissfully happy, and yes a little smug, having left the country in time to dodge the traffic on the M40, looking forward to having my Sunday evening at home without any intrusion, to just quietly chill and do all those Sunday night things like…eating rice crackers (still off the wheat, praying for those pearly gates) spread with an inch of Nutella, delicious ( yes, am sure there is some contradiction in there..Like maybe the Nutella cancels out the ‘no wheat’ good deededness…I just don’t want to know) or painting my nails in my new turquoise nail polish, tirelessly selected by myself and Kyla (if anyone wants blue, green or turquoise nail advice we are the ones to come to, we spent 3 hours in Westfield and know the ins and outs, ups and downs of everyone’s version from YSL to No7)…So I go to turn off the Shepherds Bush roundabout and the road is closed. It takes 35 minutes to get half a mile, and just as I am about to turn onto my street a million sirens come up behind me (I immediately pullover, turn my engine off and go to put on my best ‘little girl lost’ eyes. I know the drill by now, but they drive right passed me!) police cars, ambulances, fire engines you name it… It looks like the whole of N.H. is under siege; I keep expecting to see Bruce Williams coming out covered in blood. I eventually get close enough to my house to park, and wait around for the dishiest fireman I can find who tells me “ it’s a chemical spillage “Wow I think, I must live next door to another member of the Al-Qaeda who are making bombs in their basement -again, oh well at least its not actually in my block this time” (the July 7 bombers actually lived a couple of doors down from our last place!) But as I get into the throngs of the crowd the whole story comes out…Turns out some yummy mummy has broken her babies thermometer! I am sorry but is that really a chemical explosion? And if so I have been involved in chemical warfare since I was a child…we used to brake mums thermometer on purpose so we could play with the silver stuff inside (aka mercury or if you live in NH highly toxic, killer, chemicals!) or perhaps I should have a police presence when applying my new blue nails, I am sure it involves more chemicals then a bloody baby thermometer…I am sorry if I sound like a grumpy old man, or worse Lily Allen…what is wrong with that girl?! I read an article on her this morning in one of the Sunday papers, anyone would think she had been beaten and tied to a tree for the last 3 years -Not gallivanting around, a world wide super star, earning millions of pounds jetting round the world modelling for channel whilst being paid and adored to sing out her family therapy sessions….(I actually love Lilly- when she sings not opinonates). God I have turned into a moaning old bag….am gonna start carrying an umbrella and talking about the Great War soon……thank god I am off to spend some time amongst the prozacked, upper induced positivity of the USA…am tres excited to be in the NYC shooting my movie, fall in NYC has got to be the bestest time/place combo…what with giving birth to CLONES at the same time…I cant think of anything better…hmmmm maybe Nutella on ricecakes…xxx

Hubby Pie!

Feeling very JULIE AND JULIA this morning, or is it WAITRESS actually (I watched the movie the other day, yes right in the middle of the day on the coach with a pot of ice- cream, and what made it even more pleasurable was that I had a huge pile of paperwork in front of me and I just didn’t do it!) anyway reason for this unusual, slightly alien, nostalgic/wholesome feeling is I COOKED A PIE (yes I found the kitchen, apparently its been there the hole time right between the dining room and the living room) I cooked hubby a pie! A delicious, steaming hot chicken and vegetable pie! Well alright I didn’t make the pastry myself but surely life is just too short for those kind of shenanigans…no? Anyway I am sure that this act of old fashioned wifeliness will bring good karma and luck, already had a text this morning telling me am coming into huge windfall… as long as I forward it to 20 other people…am sure its down to the pie or maybe it means the weather…

Electronic husband stealing Janes, yachts and private planes!

I'm back! woke up this morning in my own bed, ah for my own pillows and revolutionary NASA designed memory mattress (so i am told, personally i think its just foam) but nodded intently as the sales agent explained to me how i could put my glass of wine down on one side and jump up and down(ahuh) on the other without it spilling (not sure what he was insinuating) but i am grateful for it now as i sit here with my candle, computer, (and yes, alright, glass of wine) and general office spread out around me and so far nothing has fallen over... So as i woke up on my NASA built bed (it does sound cool!) i had a vague awareness of a voice down stairs, as i drag myself back into wakeness i realize it is hubby's voice down stairs and he is saying 'Go to sleep' 'Go to sleep'. 'Aah' i think 'how sweet' he wants me to rest a bit longer,maybe he is planning on making me a romantic breakie, how considerate, then i hear 'scratch that', 'scratch that' at which point i get a little nervous...do we have more random people in the house, has he finally lost the plot or worse gone and got a damn dog....as i warily descend the stairs preparing myself for something animal or human to jump out at me i am affronted with the strangest sight... Hubby sitting at the end of the dining room table,at his computer with a set of Madonna style headphones on talking to himself or should i say barking commands...He has only gone and found himself an electronic PA! She does everything for him without answering back...he is totally in love. i have named her Jane (After the husband stealing PA in Mad Men) and she has promptly become part of the family. I wouldn't want him to know but I am kind of grateful to Jane as i am going to be in NYC filming for a while and at least she will look after him. I am hoping there are a few things that even i can do better than Jane so he will soon miss me....at least i hope, then again i wont bank on it, She has already learnt his voice and only does what he tells her, i tried to have a little chat with her myself(buttering up the enemy) but she totally ignored me. Hubby tried to explain its voice recognition and she only knows his so far, i think its husband stealing tactic "ignore the competition, till you have planned your first move" I'm onto you Jane.

Anyway other than being undermined and out clevered by an 'electronic husband stealing Jane'.. i have so much to blog about!
August has been a hectic, whirlwind of fun that has left me in need of a holiday...or should i say a holiday from holidays. Is it just me or does everyone find that island hopping on yachts and jetting around on private planes is just exhausting!!!!!!
I started the hols on a beautiful little island off Brittaney (if i tell you the name i would have to kill you) with my bestest friend Shazza from NYC and her gorgeous son and hub. we had so much fun eating, drinking and cycling. This island has no cars, you go everywhere on bicycles and it gets very dark at night...and us being, well not always the most prepared kinda people, never had any torches or lights, needless to say we have a lot of cuts and bruises. Nothing funnier, when you have sunk a few bottles of wine, then watching each other flying over the handle bars of our bicycles. i think hubby won the prize of how many times he fell off during a 2 kilometer ride home-6! Strangely he seems fine....or does he?
We then touched back down in London before heading off to join the glam, rockstar hols all aboard Omara...all i can say is OMG. I embraced a totally new depths of spoiltness for 5 days, quite scary to know how quickly one can forget the rest of the world and succumb to total indulgence with utter abandon, without a moments thought for any starving children, oil leaks, floods or climate change! I think i am going to have to spend the rest of my life in penance to get anywhere near those pearly gates after the pleasure i have experienced. i am starting by giving up carbs... do you think that will suffice? I do really miss them and promise it is nothing to do with the fact that i put on about 3 stone whilst laying on my butt all day eating! Oh God someone hurry up and shoot me, I am going strait to brats hell!

I love you, But...

Aaaah I think I am having a crisis (or at least damn well trying my hardest) Help me, I am unbearably, happily married and its so de rigueur, unfashionable and downright boring. In marches the summer heat and out march my girlfriends hearts… all my girlfriends are leaving their boyfriends getting divorces and having sordid affairs, and here I am feeling ‘miserably’ happy. It’s just not fair! I long for the miserable days of waking up around noon with your hand still clutching the vodka bottle you stole from the bar man on the way home from some random party you crashed after you were thrown out of the other one at 5am, having no idea how you got in your door, leave alone onto your bed, still in all your cloths but miraculously without my make up on, (I have some strange neurosis about taking my make up off before bed and to this day have only ever once woken up with it on, and no that will not be blogged about)….the long painful days of telling random strangers your life story, sharing the pain, writing insipid awful poetry, and having every excuse to start drinking at breakfast…aah for heart ach and misery, what sweet memories.

Anyway girls this one goes out to you. You cool, swinging, happening young things-to the beauty in the heart ach and vodka for breakie!

Phew…just called hubby and he has said we can get a divorce. Its all gonna be ok we can split up, and I can be hip again. Apparently the way to start it is with ‘ I love you BUT..” he explained to me that this is what you hear before the blow of ‘I am leaving you comes’….He was very forthcoming with this information and very quick to oblige me with a divorce for a week…am beginning to wonder if he has ulterior plans…that perhaps my house is already full of strippers and gambling (gosh sounds rather fun actually!) No wonder everyone is splitting up, it really is tres cool. OK well now I am officially a single gal…am just gonna call the ‘ex’ hubby and find out if I can come over and join the party…is that cheating? If so who am I cheating on? This is getting really confusing; my brain is beginning to hurt. All I need now is to start writing terrible poetry and I am almost there! Right?

About to be carted of by the 'blue nerds'

Popped into Mac store to figure out why every time I sync my iPhone to my computer it doubles up my contacts, I now have 8000 friends in my phone, I knew I was popular but its getting ridiculous! Walked in feeling happy and breezy trying not to let the dread of talking to the nerds in blue t shirts ruin my day, yes I had booked my appointment on line yesterday (twice as it kept getting me to the end of the booking process and telling me it was not complete. I felt like telling it ‘we all feel this way, its just part of the human condition’ but then realized 2 things, one my mac is not human, if it was I wouldn’t be here in mac store bored out of brain, and two talking to inanimate objects is a sure sign of insanity) anyway in I a walk with total confidence in my pending appointment and the ability of the blue nerds. I get to the front of the imposing cue and low and behold I am not on the list, my names not down and I am not going in. My inhuman mac had made a very inhumane mistake and my appointment is for next may! Anyway I think, am here now, surely we can sort this out…..that was 3 hours ago! I still have 8000 friends but am also about to pass out with hunger, thirst, florescent light syndrome and blue t shirt virus…HEEEEELLLLP..am beginning to think the blue nerds are humans, the computer is my friend and the botoxed NHH (Notting Hill Housewife) next to me is pretty, am loosing the plot big time!!!!

Chipping the hubby

Stooped to new lows with the war against technology this morning...woke up in the tiny allegedly double bed in the spare room as the builders are creating havoc in mine- they only came in to fix some water damage on the ceilings, that was 2 weeks ago..they have been here so long i have convinced myself that they are building a new floor up there as a surprise. i have been laying awake decorating it in my mind deciding what to do with all the extra space...would i prefer to have a floor dedicated to my shoe collection or a play room to banish Honey and his 10 foot TV to...anyway back 'downstairs' (Positive visualization, the SECRET and all that) i woke up in the bed alone but could hear darling hubby in his bathroom (i say 'his' as when we moved in the only thing we did to the flat was add another bathroom, its the key to my happy marriage never enter each others bathroom without a formal invitation) now the bathroom door is about 3 feet from the bottom of the bed but as load as i shouted/screamed/yelled and even threw his tennies at it, he didn't hear a damn thing...just as i give up and decide OK, fine I'll roll over and turn the alarm off myself, he saunters out (yes,butt naked of course, swinging from side to side) with his new shower proof headphone on!!!! He may as well just be done with it and get a little ipod chip inserted between the hears.

that didn't last long!

Wow I did actually become cool there for a split second, in the tiny gap between being spotted with Alfonso and having to admit it was actually years before he was a world cup winner and that I wasn’t in South Africa with him discussing tactics, in that minute little space of hip, coolness I lounged indulgently in, before being found out as a fraud ,I actually had the respect of some hard core football fans. If comments like ‘ where the fuck did YOU meet HIM and did you shag him’ can be classed as respect.

Ah well, moment of glory over (or in my case never started) I am focusing on other things…that’s when I get a second to focus without builders tearing my ceiling down and finding my YSL kitten heels covered in paint..or my drunken hubby sprawled spread eagled across the couch at 7am (yes, of course, as you can imagine, not that I am asking you to imagine, him completely naked!) I was thankfully woken up by the tv on full blast just before poor old Alejia walked in. I’m not sure she could have coped with the sight, although he may have enjoyed a little polish!!! …hmmm that’s a little weird…Focus. Desperately trying to focus and get head round doing some work, have so many scripts I have promised to read that I don’t know where to begin and keep sneaking off to the cinema (has anyone seen Get Him to the Greek? The words Russell Brand would normally send me into a frenzied tirade about that big headed, bigger haired, cross dressing, lousy, untalented mockney, diva, dickhead but my God, he’s hilarious! I loved it. Reminded me how cool it is to be a total looser sometimes. Laughed my head off and then went and smoked a few Geoffrey's and stroked my fur walls for a few hours, God life can be fun!

now am i cool?!!!

Just thought I'd share this little photo of me and my old mate Xabi (yes, to all you plebs that is the gorgeous world cup WINNER Xabier Alonso) We were just out having a quiet drink, talking tactics one evening when this was snapped....or at least he was when my darling hubby threw me across the bar at him, insisting i prostitute my dignity for a photo (i actually had no idea who he was, and first asked his friend to pose with me, till i looked over to hubby who was pointing furiously and hissing 'other one') Anyway surely i must have now gained some football brownie points....does this make up for watching Modern Family over the final!