Went to see Dr Katz “Physician To The Stars” or just ‘the Dr that signs the insurance papers”, however you wanna put it really. I sit there in his sweltering lobby in 30 degrees of smog, filling out 50 pages of medical history. Forms always make me feel like I am lying ’I MUST have some rare genetic decease that is gonna kill me, cause there are just so many of them… I mean what the hell is Celiac disease? It sounds like a vegetable! (By that I mean a fruit like vegetable, not like people that have Celiac decease are vegetables, of course they might be cause I have no idea what it is, I mean I may have it myself, I may be vegetablizing as I write) anyway the answer to all these questions cant be NO, surely…Am I lying? Am I dying? Or just loosing my marbles in this heat….?
I suddenly get a cool waft of air and look up to see a very stern looking (slightly over weight for a health preacher in my opinion!) Dr, saying “Ms Fellner?” I follow him into his beautiful, air conditioned office (typical he lets his dying patients swelter whilst he luxuriates in the cool air or it could just be broken, am not sure at this point paranoia has set in too deep) I perch on the edge of a chair nervously waiting for him to scream at me “LIAR, You know you are dying” as he calmly flips thru my forms. After what seems like an insufferable length of time he looks me strait in the eye and says “Why do women think just cause they see a gyno they are healthy?” I am so confused I am speechless…Am I dying? Does he know something I don’t? Is it a trick question and I am gonna fail the medical and not be insured if I get the answer wrong? I tentatively say..”erm…I don’t know???? He then preaches for a good 10mins on the downfall of women kind and their failings in the health check department and how they are lazy and ignorant about how to take care of themselves …he suddenly stops looks back up at me and says “So, when was your last full medical assessment?”….At which point I start stuttering and babbling about things being maybe…erm different in the uk…? He stops me short and says “Bottom line? When were your bloods last taken?...I.. erm..I..I..i just couldn’t remember under the pressure! He finally gives up on the questions cause he knows and I know, I have already failed him, in so many ways, manly by just being a women, and any answer I do come up with is gonna be unsatisfactory and a plight on his male intelligence. He says “Never mind, I have often diagnosed many an unknown, life threatening problem in my medical examinations here” as he ushers me towards the examining table. Oh God I think, this is it, I am gonna die before I even get to start my new job…he then sits me on the table, puts a lollipop stick in my mouth, shines a torch in my ear, takes my blood pressure and job done- full bill of health in 30 seconds!!!!!
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