Electronic husband stealing Janes, yachts and private planes!

I'm back! woke up this morning in my own bed, ah for my own pillows and revolutionary NASA designed memory mattress (so i am told, personally i think its just foam) but nodded intently as the sales agent explained to me how i could put my glass of wine down on one side and jump up and down(ahuh) on the other without it spilling (not sure what he was insinuating) but i am grateful for it now as i sit here with my candle, computer, (and yes, alright, glass of wine) and general office spread out around me and so far nothing has fallen over... So as i woke up on my NASA built bed (it does sound cool!) i had a vague awareness of a voice down stairs, as i drag myself back into wakeness i realize it is hubby's voice down stairs and he is saying 'Go to sleep' 'Go to sleep'. 'Aah' i think 'how sweet' he wants me to rest a bit longer,maybe he is planning on making me a romantic breakie, how considerate, then i hear 'scratch that', 'scratch that' at which point i get a little nervous...do we have more random people in the house, has he finally lost the plot or worse gone and got a damn dog....as i warily descend the stairs preparing myself for something animal or human to jump out at me i am affronted with the strangest sight... Hubby sitting at the end of the dining room table,at his computer with a set of Madonna style headphones on talking to himself or should i say barking commands...He has only gone and found himself an electronic PA! She does everything for him without answering back...he is totally in love. i have named her Jane (After the husband stealing PA in Mad Men) and she has promptly become part of the family. I wouldn't want him to know but I am kind of grateful to Jane as i am going to be in NYC filming for a while and at least she will look after him. I am hoping there are a few things that even i can do better than Jane so he will soon miss me....at least i hope, then again i wont bank on it, She has already learnt his voice and only does what he tells her, i tried to have a little chat with her myself(buttering up the enemy) but she totally ignored me. Hubby tried to explain its voice recognition and she only knows his so far, i think its husband stealing tactic "ignore the competition, till you have planned your first move" I'm onto you Jane.

Anyway other than being undermined and out clevered by an 'electronic husband stealing Jane'.. i have so much to blog about!
August has been a hectic, whirlwind of fun that has left me in need of a holiday...or should i say a holiday from holidays. Is it just me or does everyone find that island hopping on yachts and jetting around on private planes is just exhausting!!!!!!
I started the hols on a beautiful little island off Brittaney (if i tell you the name i would have to kill you) with my bestest friend Shazza from NYC and her gorgeous son and hub. we had so much fun eating, drinking and cycling. This island has no cars, you go everywhere on bicycles and it gets very dark at night...and us being, well not always the most prepared kinda people, never had any torches or lights, needless to say we have a lot of cuts and bruises. Nothing funnier, when you have sunk a few bottles of wine, then watching each other flying over the handle bars of our bicycles. i think hubby won the prize of how many times he fell off during a 2 kilometer ride home-6! Strangely he seems fine....or does he?
We then touched back down in London before heading off to join the glam, rockstar hols all aboard Omara...all i can say is OMG. I embraced a totally new depths of spoiltness for 5 days, quite scary to know how quickly one can forget the rest of the world and succumb to total indulgence with utter abandon, without a moments thought for any starving children, oil leaks, floods or climate change! I think i am going to have to spend the rest of my life in penance to get anywhere near those pearly gates after the pleasure i have experienced. i am starting by giving up carbs... do you think that will suffice? I do really miss them and promise it is nothing to do with the fact that i put on about 3 stone whilst laying on my butt all day eating! Oh God someone hurry up and shoot me, I am going strait to brats hell!

I love you, But...

Aaaah I think I am having a crisis (or at least damn well trying my hardest) Help me, I am unbearably, happily married and its so de rigueur, unfashionable and downright boring. In marches the summer heat and out march my girlfriends hearts… all my girlfriends are leaving their boyfriends getting divorces and having sordid affairs, and here I am feeling ‘miserably’ happy. It’s just not fair! I long for the miserable days of waking up around noon with your hand still clutching the vodka bottle you stole from the bar man on the way home from some random party you crashed after you were thrown out of the other one at 5am, having no idea how you got in your door, leave alone onto your bed, still in all your cloths but miraculously without my make up on, (I have some strange neurosis about taking my make up off before bed and to this day have only ever once woken up with it on, and no that will not be blogged about)….the long painful days of telling random strangers your life story, sharing the pain, writing insipid awful poetry, and having every excuse to start drinking at breakfast…aah for heart ach and misery, what sweet memories.

Anyway girls this one goes out to you. You cool, swinging, happening young things-to the beauty in the heart ach and vodka for breakie!

Phew…just called hubby and he has said we can get a divorce. Its all gonna be ok we can split up, and I can be hip again. Apparently the way to start it is with ‘ I love you BUT..” he explained to me that this is what you hear before the blow of ‘I am leaving you comes’….He was very forthcoming with this information and very quick to oblige me with a divorce for a week…am beginning to wonder if he has ulterior plans…that perhaps my house is already full of strippers and gambling (gosh sounds rather fun actually!) No wonder everyone is splitting up, it really is tres cool. OK well now I am officially a single gal…am just gonna call the ‘ex’ hubby and find out if I can come over and join the party…is that cheating? If so who am I cheating on? This is getting really confusing; my brain is beginning to hurt. All I need now is to start writing terrible poetry and I am almost there! Right?

About to be carted of by the 'blue nerds'

Popped into Mac store to figure out why every time I sync my iPhone to my computer it doubles up my contacts, I now have 8000 friends in my phone, I knew I was popular but its getting ridiculous! Walked in feeling happy and breezy trying not to let the dread of talking to the nerds in blue t shirts ruin my day, yes I had booked my appointment on line yesterday (twice as it kept getting me to the end of the booking process and telling me it was not complete. I felt like telling it ‘we all feel this way, its just part of the human condition’ but then realized 2 things, one my mac is not human, if it was I wouldn’t be here in mac store bored out of brain, and two talking to inanimate objects is a sure sign of insanity) anyway in I a walk with total confidence in my pending appointment and the ability of the blue nerds. I get to the front of the imposing cue and low and behold I am not on the list, my names not down and I am not going in. My inhuman mac had made a very inhumane mistake and my appointment is for next may! Anyway I think, am here now, surely we can sort this out…..that was 3 hours ago! I still have 8000 friends but am also about to pass out with hunger, thirst, florescent light syndrome and blue t shirt virus…HEEEEELLLLP..am beginning to think the blue nerds are humans, the computer is my friend and the botoxed NHH (Notting Hill Housewife) next to me is pretty, am loosing the plot big time!!!!

Chipping the hubby

Stooped to new lows with the war against technology this morning...woke up in the tiny allegedly double bed in the spare room as the builders are creating havoc in mine- they only came in to fix some water damage on the ceilings, that was 2 weeks ago..they have been here so long i have convinced myself that they are building a new floor up there as a surprise. i have been laying awake decorating it in my mind deciding what to do with all the extra space...would i prefer to have a floor dedicated to my shoe collection or a play room to banish Honey and his 10 foot TV to...anyway back 'downstairs' (Positive visualization, the SECRET and all that) i woke up in the bed alone but could hear darling hubby in his bathroom (i say 'his' as when we moved in the only thing we did to the flat was add another bathroom, its the key to my happy marriage never enter each others bathroom without a formal invitation) now the bathroom door is about 3 feet from the bottom of the bed but as load as i shouted/screamed/yelled and even threw his tennies at it, he didn't hear a damn thing...just as i give up and decide OK, fine I'll roll over and turn the alarm off myself, he saunters out (yes,butt naked of course, swinging from side to side) with his new shower proof headphone on!!!! He may as well just be done with it and get a little ipod chip inserted between the hears.

that didn't last long!

Wow I did actually become cool there for a split second, in the tiny gap between being spotted with Alfonso and having to admit it was actually years before he was a world cup winner and that I wasn’t in South Africa with him discussing tactics, in that minute little space of hip, coolness I lounged indulgently in, before being found out as a fraud ,I actually had the respect of some hard core football fans. If comments like ‘ where the fuck did YOU meet HIM and did you shag him’ can be classed as respect.

Ah well, moment of glory over (or in my case never started) I am focusing on other things…that’s when I get a second to focus without builders tearing my ceiling down and finding my YSL kitten heels covered in paint..or my drunken hubby sprawled spread eagled across the couch at 7am (yes, of course, as you can imagine, not that I am asking you to imagine, him completely naked!) I was thankfully woken up by the tv on full blast just before poor old Alejia walked in. I’m not sure she could have coped with the sight, although he may have enjoyed a little polish!!! …hmmm that’s a little weird…Focus. Desperately trying to focus and get head round doing some work, have so many scripts I have promised to read that I don’t know where to begin and keep sneaking off to the cinema (has anyone seen Get Him to the Greek? The words Russell Brand would normally send me into a frenzied tirade about that big headed, bigger haired, cross dressing, lousy, untalented mockney, diva, dickhead but my God, he’s hilarious! I loved it. Reminded me how cool it is to be a total looser sometimes. Laughed my head off and then went and smoked a few Geoffrey's and stroked my fur walls for a few hours, God life can be fun!

now am i cool?!!!

Just thought I'd share this little photo of me and my old mate Xabi (yes, to all you plebs that is the gorgeous world cup WINNER Xabier Alonso) We were just out having a quiet drink, talking tactics one evening when this was snapped....or at least he was when my darling hubby threw me across the bar at him, insisting i prostitute my dignity for a photo (i actually had no idea who he was, and first asked his friend to pose with me, till i looked over to hubby who was pointing furiously and hissing 'other one') Anyway surely i must have now gained some football brownie points....does this make up for watching Modern Family over the final!

BWM- i kid you not!!!

OK i must be the worst blogger in blogdom. Can i still call myself a blogger if i don't get round to blogging? is there a bloggers authority or hand book? Am i gonna get thrown out of the blogging club or black listed from the academy of blogging?
Its just that there's been sooo much to blog about....Summer madness, Casablanca on a boat, Kimberley Festival in Green, The Women's Art Evening AND birthdays, birthdays, birthdays...hows a blogger meant to get a moment to have a peaceful blog?

But first of all there is something i need to share with you all. Yes it is from the one and only Saint Hepburn, the Goddess of all time Lady Audrey. It was sent to me from a beautiful woman for BWM (to all of you uneducated that is Beautiful Women's Month and no boys and girls i am not lying, please try not to gag on the schmaltz and take this moment seriously) As i present the ultimate beauty tips. If i see you on the street please pretend i have not told you this or do feel free to walk on by.. but i cried when i read it.Yes, i actually sobbed. And then turned it on myself.."How can anyone be so beautiful inside and out" "why am i so shallow,selfish and fickle" Btw If anyone wants a real summer beauty tip get yourselves some Vichy Capital Soleil Protective Sun-Cream Face SPF50+, its revolutionized my life. People don't keep coming up to me asking me if i am OK, or need to sit down, as i am not translucently white and i can actually leave the house without looking like Michael Jackson. Basically its just sunblock with foundation it in but my god i LOVE IT.
Anyway if you can please bare my sincerity (am feeling rather American) read on.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

.........OK? Everyone alright? did you make it thru without hating yourselves? Dedicating the rest of your life to lost children in outer Mongolia (where the hell is that anyway? probably a really lovely rich, civilized place without any need for rescue at all) or giving up your life's ambition to roam the world giving young girls confidence and hope in their inner beauty.

Anyway, good people an all that aside lets get back to me!
Oh I have just seen the time...am really late for a screening so am gonna have to blog ya later...soz!