Attack of the Pumpkins

Forgive me Cyberspace for I have sinned…it has been over 2 weeks since my last blog and all my followers, yes all 28 of them are feeling neglected and anxious for news on my exploits, intelligent banter and insightful comments on society and the world at large…at least in my dreams!

Hey Guys, I am here in New Jersey starting my second week of shooting, I have an old stocking over my head with 50 bobbi pins stuck into my scalp and a dead rat sitting on top (in other words a wig) imagine what it feels like having your head clamped into a vice 14 hours a day and you get close…at least it makes all the crying I have to do in this film easy, they are tears of sweet pain…other than that all is jolly…I have had sex with a bear, given birth to a clone and killed my own baby…all in days work eh!

NJ is so American its hilarious, I walk around thinking I am in a movie, which I am, but I mean when I am not in the movie…if you know what I mean…the leaves are all golden and red, there are white picket fences everywhere, the local bank is in a white wooden house and the church is the size of a shopping mall…And there are pumpkins everywhere, in everything…pumpkin pie, pumpkin soup, pumpkin salad, we had pumpkin bloody gnocchi for lunch. i don’t have the heart to tell them I hate pumpkin! The problem I find with pumpkins is they just cant make up their mind if they are sweet or savory (did you know that they have no idea what savory means here? I keep asking for savory snacks and the poor 3^rd assistant doesn’t dare tell me he has no idea what I am talking about so brings me more chocolate, I of course don’t want to offend him so am having to eat an awful lot of M&M’s) anyway I just cant get on with a vegetable that doesn’t know if it’s a vegetable or a fruit, just make up your mind already, be in a pie or in a curry, you cant be in both! And that’s not even mentioning the fact that they have faces carved in them and are put on every available surface…enough with the bloody pumpkins please! Sorry, I think the bobbi pins are digging so deeply into my head its affecting my brain…or what little is left of it…oops am being called..laters.Rxxx

rare diseases, lollipop sticks and the general down fall of womenkind

Went to see Dr Katz “Physician To The Stars” or just ‘the Dr that signs the insurance papers”, however you wanna put it really. I sit there in his sweltering lobby in 30 degrees of smog, filling out 50 pages of medical history. Forms always make me feel like I am lying ’I MUST have some rare genetic decease that is gonna kill me, cause there are just so many of them… I mean what the hell is Celiac disease? It sounds like a vegetable! (By that I mean a fruit like vegetable, not like people that have Celiac decease are vegetables, of course they might be cause I have no idea what it is, I mean I may have it myself, I may be vegetablizing as I write) anyway the answer to all these questions cant be NO, surely…Am I lying? Am I dying? Or just loosing my marbles in this heat….?

I suddenly get a cool waft of air and look up to see a very stern looking (slightly over weight for a health preacher in my opinion!) Dr, saying “Ms Fellner?” I follow him into his beautiful, air conditioned office (typical he lets his dying patients swelter whilst he luxuriates in the cool air or it could just be broken, am not sure at this point paranoia has set in too deep) I perch on the edge of a chair nervously waiting for him to scream at me “LIAR, You know you are dying” as he calmly flips thru my forms. After what seems like an insufferable length of time he looks me strait in the eye and says “Why do women think just cause they see a gyno they are healthy?” I am so confused I am speechless…Am I dying? Does he know something I don’t? Is it a trick question and I am gonna fail the medical and not be insured if I get the answer wrong? I tentatively say..”erm…I don’t know???? He then preaches for a good 10mins on the downfall of women kind and their failings in the health check department and how they are lazy and ignorant about how to take care of themselves …he suddenly stops looks back up at me and says “So, when was your last full medical assessment?”….At which point I start stuttering and babbling about things being maybe…erm different in the uk…? He stops me short and says “Bottom line? When were your bloods last taken?...I.. erm..I..I..i just couldn’t remember under the pressure! He finally gives up on the questions cause he knows and I know, I have already failed him, in so many ways, manly by just being a women, and any answer I do come up with is gonna be unsatisfactory and a plight on his male intelligence. He says “Never mind, I have often diagnosed many an unknown, life threatening problem in my medical examinations here” as he ushers me towards the examining table. Oh God I think, this is it, I am gonna die before I even get to start my new job…he then sits me on the table, puts a lollipop stick in my mouth, shines a torch in my ear, takes my blood pressure and job done- full bill of health in 30 seconds!!!!!

Falling Head Over Heels With Urban Mass's Of Chaos and Axe Murderers....

I am here in the NYC babies!

Settled in smoothly, I already have my local Starbucks with my very own Crazy Hobo terrorising us as we have our morning coffees. He has just told us all we are ‘trying to fuck him in the arse’ most people have just put their headphones in but I am stuck in the corner and would have to get very close to his aforementioned anatomy to get out and don’t have any headphones with me so ‘am instead gonna sit her and watch the drama play out- at least I have sun glasses on, I can avoid any eye contact and there for pretend its part of the music…hmmm Mozart with its very own, very individual rap…the theme has now changed he has gone on to extra marital affairs, who ever Ramona is she sounds like a right cheating old cow…its actually very good theatre am beginning to think he could be an actor, maybe he is just preparing a new monologue…hmmm maybe I should come down here and grab his spot tomorrow morning start practicing my lines…Oh God, he has now got on to war and we are all ‘disrespecting’ him, am gonna have to get passed him and get out of here before I get killed….If he is an actor please someone hand him an Oscar- he is terrifying.

Wow I love this city….its the tiny things that stand out, like the crazy psycho murderers in Starbucks and the little cultural differences like…lifts that arrive directly into the middle of living rooms. As I left my apartment this morning I got in to the lift, sorry ‘elevator’ its about 7am and I am still in sleep mode, I get in, press the down button, the elevator stops and I get out…a wave of toast aroma hits me and I look up, I am standing bang in the middle of a family breakfast scene, honestly like something out of the movies, there is a dad in a suite and a mum in a dressing gown and a nanny holding a baby and a little kid eating coco pops, ALL staring at me. I blink a couple of times thinking they will disappear-but they don’t! eventually someone says ‘ your on the wrong floor’ No shit Sherlock!!! The Elevator has delivered me directly into someone else’s apartment, unbelievable, who needs TV? I am gonna sit in the elevator all day going from floor to floor watching peoples lives-forget the new tv disaster Notting Hill 7 Days- this is the future, I am gonna start a new craze, its not reality TV or Dramality or even Irritainment…..Its Real Reality Seen From a Tribeca Elevator-fabulous!

Its puring with rain here, hubby just called and tried to convince me London is having a heatwave and everyone is out sunbathing but even the thought of missing miracles back home (which I am not, he is lying) cant dampen my happiness with my new found Lover ‘NYC’. Is it possible to fall head over heels with a moving mass of noise, chaos, brick, mad people and brash Americans in the rain? Cause I think I have…I walk around, just staring, trying to absorb every molecule of its density. If it is possible to have an affair with a ‘large urban settlement’ then is it possible that I am really this fickle (ok don’t answer that)? But how can I have done such a 3-60, I was here only a couple of months ago and actually came home early cause it was all too much and too bloody hot- Ah I guess there is nothing like a bit of rain to make me feel welcomed and comfortable…There is of course another huge benefit to being here: everyone WALKS everywhere, and we all know what walking means…My PC count is gonna hit the sky, watch out darling hubby the competition has just heated up…what with that and the time difference my little Pink Fitbug thinks I am walking 24hours a day- I made 20,000 steps yesterday! Only downside is instead of waking me up at 7am I am now awoken at 2am to its bleep, bleep, i fell out of bed and scrabbled around in the dark for 10mins looking for it in jacket pockets last night, to eventually realise it was under my pillow… hmmm I am now sleeping with it….am I taking this obsession too fare?

Anyway NYC you rock. I am in love with this place where spicy tuna roles are available on every corner, mani pedis are a legal requirement and cooking at home is unheard of!

Rxxx

crack cocaine vs scones

Feeling very proud of myself this morning, i DON'T have a hangover AND i have already done 3000 PC and its only 11 am...i am off to a good start today! Unlike yesterday...it took me 40mins to form a thought by which time i had no idea what it was about, i only managed 1500 PC the whole day. I blame the whole state of affairs on a certain friend of mine (yes Rhydian, you know who you are...oh actually so does everyone else now, sorry!) We met up at 5pm for a quiet Sunday evening glass of prosecco (its my new thing, have decided champers is chav, and chav so before Mad Men era, i guess that means its whisky that's in, God am i glad i hadn't formed that thought by last Sunday ) and cheese board all very civilised, still daylight i thought 'i am safe' But a little devilish part of me, lurking in the depths of my psych, the little monster at the back of my brain new only too well the for gone conclusion on the evening....yes, 7 hours, 5 bars and 15 drinks later i managed to crawl my stairs, roll thru my door and fall at the feet of my sweet hubby who tried to feed me and water me and help me get the tooth paste on the toothbrush as i waxed lyrical on the world and Rhydian and my plans to change it, starting on our figures...we have come up with my new diet plan it consists of eating packets of lettuce (as if they were crisps) smoking menthol cigarettes and not a lot else..oh yeah if we fall of the wagon and are tempted to actually eat something of substance then we should turn to crack cocaine i hear its marvelous for slimming down! (mum, not to point out the obvious but that is a joke, OK not a very funny i give you that) This is all in preparation for the dreaded "love scenes" coming up in my new film. I had to go thru the very surreal process with my agent of deciding exactly which butt cheek they are allowed to film at which angel and for how many seconds, it gets very specific- thankfully, you will never get more than a few seconds, no frontals and def no body doubles- think i may just get my full kit off on the day to scare everyone...actually that depends how the lettuce and crack cocaine diet is going and if i have made it back to my Pilate's class...that was the one other achievement of yesterday, i joined Ten Pilate's out of fear. Anyway today is a new bright day without hangovers or Pilate's classes...So am popping into Dean Street Hotel to celebrate with tea and scones with lashings of cream and jam...yes there is probably some contradiction in there somewhere but i cant see it at the moment...xxx

Attack of the Pink Gadget

Oh No, Help! I own a gadget and its taking over my life ( well if you can call a pink thing with 3 buttons a gadget) it only has 2 objectives and they are both nasty, evil and cruel. It wakes me up at 7am 'pinging' in my ear, every morning and then counts every movement I make during the day to prove to me how lazy i am. it’s a nasty little piece of electric pink plastic, and its governing my life…I keep getting to my car, unlocking the door, getting in then feeling so guilty I get back out and walk…yes walk, all the way to Starbucks, its exactly 3000 steps there and back…This retched little thing was of course bought for me by my darling hubby who also has his own and we have gone into fierce competition to see who covers more distance throughout the day…generally I am ahead of him, as I run neurotically up and down the stairs most of the day loosing things but just as I think I have definitely beaten him, he does a sneaky little trip in to town and WALKS all the way back (20,000 steps) I am beginning to think in steps, the whole 'time thing' is totally passé in our house, minutes, hours even days mean nothing to us, its all about the PC (pedometer count) I think I am at a slight disadvantage as hubby gets up at 530am every morning to “write” Aha i am on to him...I bet he is sneaking in a little run before breakfast, 'must start checking his PC early in the morning. One advantage I have is I can take it out at night... snuck it into my handbag other eve….popped into Bella Pollens book launch..we walked, OK it was only in the hood, but in 6 inch platforms its an achievement..2300 PC later-I am way ahead of hubby and he doesn’t even know I have it with me HA! I kept doing laps round the room, everyone thought I’d turned into one of those social nightmares that never listens to the conversation being held as they are too busy looking over their shoulder for someone more important, only my more important was getting to the otherside of the room and back as many times as possible……BTW would love to plug Bellas book and get you all to buy but I haven’t read it yet…but I can say it has a beautiful cover, so definitely intend to…and its hard back, cant stand a paper back book….i just read Valley of the Dolls, I always thought it was a literary classic, one of those names I had always heard about and pretended to know what they were talking about…anyway picked it up the other day ( because it was in hard back and had a beautifully designed special edition cover) turns out its like reading the Daily Mail social pages during the 60’s…loved it!!! Anyway better not chat too much, have to go take my pink gadget for a walk...it is worse then having a dog i swear...talking of which..'am thinking of tying it to the neighbours dog for a while, that would def get my PC up...do you think it would notice if i developed 4 legs and started barking? Hmmm barking on all fours..probably not much different then the way i come home most evenings!

Sunday rants and chemical warfare in Notting Hill

As I arrive back into Notting Hill blissfully happy, and yes a little smug, having left the country in time to dodge the traffic on the M40, looking forward to having my Sunday evening at home without any intrusion, to just quietly chill and do all those Sunday night things like…eating rice crackers (still off the wheat, praying for those pearly gates) spread with an inch of Nutella, delicious ( yes, am sure there is some contradiction in there..Like maybe the Nutella cancels out the ‘no wheat’ good deededness…I just don’t want to know) or painting my nails in my new turquoise nail polish, tirelessly selected by myself and Kyla (if anyone wants blue, green or turquoise nail advice we are the ones to come to, we spent 3 hours in Westfield and know the ins and outs, ups and downs of everyone’s version from YSL to No7)…So I go to turn off the Shepherds Bush roundabout and the road is closed. It takes 35 minutes to get half a mile, and just as I am about to turn onto my street a million sirens come up behind me (I immediately pullover, turn my engine off and go to put on my best ‘little girl lost’ eyes. I know the drill by now, but they drive right passed me!) police cars, ambulances, fire engines you name it… It looks like the whole of N.H. is under siege; I keep expecting to see Bruce Williams coming out covered in blood. I eventually get close enough to my house to park, and wait around for the dishiest fireman I can find who tells me “ it’s a chemical spillage “Wow I think, I must live next door to another member of the Al-Qaeda who are making bombs in their basement -again, oh well at least its not actually in my block this time” (the July 7 bombers actually lived a couple of doors down from our last place!) But as I get into the throngs of the crowd the whole story comes out…Turns out some yummy mummy has broken her babies thermometer! I am sorry but is that really a chemical explosion? And if so I have been involved in chemical warfare since I was a child…we used to brake mums thermometer on purpose so we could play with the silver stuff inside (aka mercury or if you live in NH highly toxic, killer, chemicals!) or perhaps I should have a police presence when applying my new blue nails, I am sure it involves more chemicals then a bloody baby thermometer…I am sorry if I sound like a grumpy old man, or worse Lily Allen…what is wrong with that girl?! I read an article on her this morning in one of the Sunday papers, anyone would think she had been beaten and tied to a tree for the last 3 years -Not gallivanting around, a world wide super star, earning millions of pounds jetting round the world modelling for channel whilst being paid and adored to sing out her family therapy sessions….(I actually love Lilly- when she sings not opinonates). God I have turned into a moaning old bag….am gonna start carrying an umbrella and talking about the Great War soon……thank god I am off to spend some time amongst the prozacked, upper induced positivity of the USA…am tres excited to be in the NYC shooting my movie, fall in NYC has got to be the bestest time/place combo…what with giving birth to CLONES at the same time…I cant think of anything better…hmmmm maybe Nutella on ricecakes…xxx

Hubby Pie!

Feeling very JULIE AND JULIA this morning, or is it WAITRESS actually (I watched the movie the other day, yes right in the middle of the day on the coach with a pot of ice- cream, and what made it even more pleasurable was that I had a huge pile of paperwork in front of me and I just didn’t do it!) anyway reason for this unusual, slightly alien, nostalgic/wholesome feeling is I COOKED A PIE (yes I found the kitchen, apparently its been there the hole time right between the dining room and the living room) I cooked hubby a pie! A delicious, steaming hot chicken and vegetable pie! Well alright I didn’t make the pastry myself but surely life is just too short for those kind of shenanigans…no? Anyway I am sure that this act of old fashioned wifeliness will bring good karma and luck, already had a text this morning telling me am coming into huge windfall… as long as I forward it to 20 other people…am sure its down to the pie or maybe it means the weather…